TOO MANY BULLETHOLES
A Film Review of "S.W.A.T."
Copyright 2003 Glenn Walker
"S.W.A.T." was originally a spin-off of the ABC TV series "The Rookies" that ran for a season in the mid 1970s. It's not exactly prime mining material for a major theatrical release and yet somehow this got made.
Everyone in the cast are professionals who must have been blackmailed to be in this mess. I've lost a degree of respect for Samuel L. Jackson, Colin Farrell and L.L. Cool J for their participation in S.W.A.T. but I suppose they must have gambling debts or alimony that begs to be paid.
One cast member who hasn't made the best decisions in the past with Blue Crush and Resident Evil is Michelle Rodriguez. She is an actress to watch even though she was in this mess. If you want to see her really act check out Girlfight. Despite bad script choosing she's good.
Others who must need work include cast members of the original TV series who make cameos. Rod Terry plays the father of Deke who he played on the show. TV veteran Steve Forrest plays the same character he played on the show even though Samuel L. Jackson plays him in the movie. Have I mentioned how bad the script is?
The stupidity of the script by Ron Mita is outlandish. I figure the only people who enjoyed this movie were drunks who wandered into the theatre halfway through and then passed out. There are so many bulletholes in the plot you could drive a T3 crane through it. Don't even get me started on there being five thousand manholes in a five block area in Los Angeles or that you can land a Learjet on a car bridge. Did anyone read this script before making it?
The director responsible for this dreck is Clark Johnson. Although he is a veteran of TV cop shows he apparently has no sense of the action film genre. His use of digital video was annoying and served no purpose. Maybe he thought this was a sequel to Blair Witch. How did he get this job? How did he get any job?
The previews show a movie that is highly watchable, very entertaining and action-packed. Apparently this movie advertised is only about as long as said preview. Avoid S.W.A.T. at all costs.
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Saturday, August 30, 2003
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT
A Video Review of "K-Pax"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away (1984, to be precise) we've seen this before. It was called Starman and coincidentally starred Jeff Bridges and in one of his better performances too. It was also in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and in any Morgan Freeman detective thriller from the 1990s. There's hardly anything original in this flick except for some flat deadpan alien acting from Kevin Spacey.
We've got the alien on Earth with his childlike wonder and simple solutions to problems. We've got the cast of crazy characters that inhabit the mental hospital. And when things get heavy we've got a mystery on our hands. Three different movies all in one bundle. It would have been much better as one flick.
If you have two hours on your hands and don't mind a flick that can't decide what it wants to be this is the movie for you. The ride is bumpy but enjoyable.
The above previously appeared at Project: Popcorn
http://www.whitevioletpictures.com/popcorn/
For more of my movie reviews check out:
Comic Widows at
http://www.comicwidows.com
or the Internet Movie Database at
http://www.imdb.com
or Yahoo! Movies at
http://movies.yahoo.com
A Video Review of "K-Pax"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away (1984, to be precise) we've seen this before. It was called Starman and coincidentally starred Jeff Bridges and in one of his better performances too. It was also in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and in any Morgan Freeman detective thriller from the 1990s. There's hardly anything original in this flick except for some flat deadpan alien acting from Kevin Spacey.
We've got the alien on Earth with his childlike wonder and simple solutions to problems. We've got the cast of crazy characters that inhabit the mental hospital. And when things get heavy we've got a mystery on our hands. Three different movies all in one bundle. It would have been much better as one flick.
If you have two hours on your hands and don't mind a flick that can't decide what it wants to be this is the movie for you. The ride is bumpy but enjoyable.
The above previously appeared at Project: Popcorn
http://www.whitevioletpictures.com/popcorn/
For more of my movie reviews check out:
Comic Widows at
http://www.comicwidows.com
or the Internet Movie Database at
http://www.imdb.com
or Yahoo! Movies at
http://movies.yahoo.com
Friday, August 29, 2003
CRIKEY!
A Film Review of "Crocodile Hunter Collision Course"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
I have to admit up front I have a soft spot for Steve Irwin. Any guy who picks up one of the world's deadliest snakes by the tail and its head is trying desperately to latch onto his groin and the guy has the balls to say, "Kids, don't try this at home!" This guy has my respect.
The story is pretty simple. A satellite containing top secret surveillance info crashlands in the outback where Steve, wife Terri (who has the patience of a saint) and dog are filming wildlife segments for their Animal Planet program. Croc eats satellite, Steve relocates croc, C.I.A. follows, hilarity ensues.
The great thing is nowhere does Steve break character from his tv show, he's constantly talking to the audience the entire time. It's charming, it's different and vastly entertaining. Lotsa deadly animals, lotsa close calls and lotsa laughs, don't miss this - I think, the best family flick of the summer so far.
A Film Review of "Crocodile Hunter Collision Course"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
I have to admit up front I have a soft spot for Steve Irwin. Any guy who picks up one of the world's deadliest snakes by the tail and its head is trying desperately to latch onto his groin and the guy has the balls to say, "Kids, don't try this at home!" This guy has my respect.
The story is pretty simple. A satellite containing top secret surveillance info crashlands in the outback where Steve, wife Terri (who has the patience of a saint) and dog are filming wildlife segments for their Animal Planet program. Croc eats satellite, Steve relocates croc, C.I.A. follows, hilarity ensues.
The great thing is nowhere does Steve break character from his tv show, he's constantly talking to the audience the entire time. It's charming, it's different and vastly entertaining. Lotsa deadly animals, lotsa close calls and lotsa laughs, don't miss this - I think, the best family flick of the summer so far.
Thursday, August 28, 2003
KILL THIS GUY ALREADY, PLEASE!
A Review of "H.P. Lovecraft's Dagon"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
Just when you think only Stephen King gets the short end of the stick when they adapt the written work for the big screen along comes another Lovecraft movie, this one based on a story just a few pages long. How do ya mess that up? It's easy, watch.
Remember that guy, that annoying guy, who always gets horribly killed right away in old 1980s slasher flicks? The guy you know deserves it? The guy you really wanted to see get evicerated by Freddy or Jason anyway? The arrogant pain-in-the-ass guy with the bullseye drawn on his chest?
That guy is the star of Dagon. He's the main character. I don't think I've wanted someone to die so much in a movie outside of a Tom Hanks or Robin Williams flick in a long time. I was rooting for the fishy monsters and their aquatic Lovecraftian god from about ten minutes in. I'm yelling at the screen "Get him!" That's how obnoxious and annoying this guy was.
Other than that, it's not bad, good 1960s type horror story, not too horribly dubbed from the Italian and nice adequate special effects. Worth a rental for the workout your lungs will get yelling at the screen.
The above previously appeared at Project Popcorn a defunct cinema website by the folks at Jersey Diner Arts
http://www.jerseydinerarts.com
A Review of "H.P. Lovecraft's Dagon"
Copyright 2002 Glenn Walker
Just when you think only Stephen King gets the short end of the stick when they adapt the written work for the big screen along comes another Lovecraft movie, this one based on a story just a few pages long. How do ya mess that up? It's easy, watch.
Remember that guy, that annoying guy, who always gets horribly killed right away in old 1980s slasher flicks? The guy you know deserves it? The guy you really wanted to see get evicerated by Freddy or Jason anyway? The arrogant pain-in-the-ass guy with the bullseye drawn on his chest?
That guy is the star of Dagon. He's the main character. I don't think I've wanted someone to die so much in a movie outside of a Tom Hanks or Robin Williams flick in a long time. I was rooting for the fishy monsters and their aquatic Lovecraftian god from about ten minutes in. I'm yelling at the screen "Get him!" That's how obnoxious and annoying this guy was.
Other than that, it's not bad, good 1960s type horror story, not too horribly dubbed from the Italian and nice adequate special effects. Worth a rental for the workout your lungs will get yelling at the screen.
The above previously appeared at Project Popcorn a defunct cinema website by the folks at Jersey Diner Arts
http://www.jerseydinerarts.com
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
GOD BLESS KEVIN SMITH
A Video Review of "Planet of the Apes" (2001)
Copyright 2003 Glenn Walker
Here's what you have to do to enjoy this movie: forget the original movie from 1968. In the words of Tim Burton, "This is a revisiting not a remake." As pompous as that sounds and as much as I hate Tim Burton as a person (he has great vision and has made a few wonderful films but in my opinion the man is an asshole), it is sound advice.
Re-imagining equals same concept but a different story. Mark Wahlberg working with experimental primates at a deep space station follows one of his test chimpanzees through a cosmic storm and ends up on a world where apes dominate and humans serve.
The make-up in the 2001 film is as advanced and sophisticated for today as 1968's was for its day. So real and flexible are the 'masks' that the acting of Helena Bonham Carter and Paul Giamotti is positively phenomenal. Emotion and performance come through as if it were their real skin. Every actor is completely unhindered by the apelike visage.
The same can be said of the rest of the apes' physical appearance from reactions to simple things like walking and running. The battle scenes are marked by the apes' ability to leap and run on all four limbs. In many ways this is an amazing film.
Tim Roth and Michael Clarke Duncan do excellent turns as villains to Mark Wahlberg's usual hesitant hero. I wish he would choose a heroic role that's a definite hero for a change. I know he can pull it off, you know it, I just don't think Mr. Wahlberg does.
We are also treated to few bonuses that stand out. In a cameo appearance as an ape, Charlton Heston, star of the original Planet of the Apes, recites one of his famous lines in a sly bit of irony. Also impressive is the concept of 'humans' rights' in a sarcastic nod to P.E.T.A.
* SPOILERS *
The ending. Good God. Let's talk about the ending. Forget the last five minutes of this film. It's crap and ruins every other logical minute of the film.
In the end Marky Mark leaves the planet of the apes and by all rights and story logic should have returned to his space station in own time. The movie should have ended when his ship blasts off. But it doesn't much to my dismay.
He lands on what appears to be Earth, Washington D.C. to be precise, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial which of course is a monument to General Thade. He is promptly assailed by ape police officers and then we go to fade and credits.
A scene very similar to this appeared in a "Jay and Silent Bob" comic book by the genius Kevin Smith quite some time before this movie started production. When pressed by reporters Burton stated that he had never read a comic book, especially one by Kevin Smith, maintaining the bad blood between the directors since Burton rejection of Smith's brilliant script for the Superman Lives film project.
Kevin Smith's perfect response to Burton's statement? "Well, that explains Batman." God bless Kevin Smith.
Back to the movie. Good special effects, better story logic than the original and some excellent action sequences. That said, 2001's Planet of the Apes is a great flick, excepting the last five minutes. It's probably not going to birth a bevy of sequels like the original though.
Rating: ***1/2
***** Must see
**** Worth seeing
*** So you have eight dollars you want to throw away…
** Is Adam Sandler in this mess?
* A bullet would be quicker.
The above previously appeared in a much shorter and much less interesting form at the late lamented Project Popcorn website at:
http://www.whitevioletpictures.com/popcorn/
A Video Review of "Planet of the Apes" (2001)
Copyright 2003 Glenn Walker
Here's what you have to do to enjoy this movie: forget the original movie from 1968. In the words of Tim Burton, "This is a revisiting not a remake." As pompous as that sounds and as much as I hate Tim Burton as a person (he has great vision and has made a few wonderful films but in my opinion the man is an asshole), it is sound advice.
Re-imagining equals same concept but a different story. Mark Wahlberg working with experimental primates at a deep space station follows one of his test chimpanzees through a cosmic storm and ends up on a world where apes dominate and humans serve.
The make-up in the 2001 film is as advanced and sophisticated for today as 1968's was for its day. So real and flexible are the 'masks' that the acting of Helena Bonham Carter and Paul Giamotti is positively phenomenal. Emotion and performance come through as if it were their real skin. Every actor is completely unhindered by the apelike visage.
The same can be said of the rest of the apes' physical appearance from reactions to simple things like walking and running. The battle scenes are marked by the apes' ability to leap and run on all four limbs. In many ways this is an amazing film.
Tim Roth and Michael Clarke Duncan do excellent turns as villains to Mark Wahlberg's usual hesitant hero. I wish he would choose a heroic role that's a definite hero for a change. I know he can pull it off, you know it, I just don't think Mr. Wahlberg does.
We are also treated to few bonuses that stand out. In a cameo appearance as an ape, Charlton Heston, star of the original Planet of the Apes, recites one of his famous lines in a sly bit of irony. Also impressive is the concept of 'humans' rights' in a sarcastic nod to P.E.T.A.
* SPOILERS *
The ending. Good God. Let's talk about the ending. Forget the last five minutes of this film. It's crap and ruins every other logical minute of the film.
In the end Marky Mark leaves the planet of the apes and by all rights and story logic should have returned to his space station in own time. The movie should have ended when his ship blasts off. But it doesn't much to my dismay.
He lands on what appears to be Earth, Washington D.C. to be precise, on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial which of course is a monument to General Thade. He is promptly assailed by ape police officers and then we go to fade and credits.
A scene very similar to this appeared in a "Jay and Silent Bob" comic book by the genius Kevin Smith quite some time before this movie started production. When pressed by reporters Burton stated that he had never read a comic book, especially one by Kevin Smith, maintaining the bad blood between the directors since Burton rejection of Smith's brilliant script for the Superman Lives film project.
Kevin Smith's perfect response to Burton's statement? "Well, that explains Batman." God bless Kevin Smith.
Back to the movie. Good special effects, better story logic than the original and some excellent action sequences. That said, 2001's Planet of the Apes is a great flick, excepting the last five minutes. It's probably not going to birth a bevy of sequels like the original though.
Rating: ***1/2
***** Must see
**** Worth seeing
*** So you have eight dollars you want to throw away…
** Is Adam Sandler in this mess?
* A bullet would be quicker.
The above previously appeared in a much shorter and much less interesting form at the late lamented Project Popcorn website at:
http://www.whitevioletpictures.com/popcorn/
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